Saturday, January 2, 2010

Dropping out of School

During the summer before my senior year of College. I was doing an internship and working full time (managing a cellular store an hour from home). I will admit that I did a horrible job with my internship...I hated it! I didn't like the person who was supposed to guide me, I didn't understand my expectations, I didn't feel comfortable doing what they wanted me to, I didn't have the time to deal with it and I was lazy! But that internship was the start of my failing spiral with my college education.
Towards the end of the summer it finally came to me being told that I was failing the internship.
My adviser at school completely understood and was great about it....she gave me the opportunity to complete another internship of my choice during the fall semester. I found an "internship" at my friend's work and worked hard at it. But my job got in the way of my schooling.
One of my professors (she taught 2 of my 5 courses) gave me permission to not attend lectures but to continue to complete the work outside of the classroom. That was the next part of my failing spiral and honestly I believe that was the final thing. I quit trying after that. I would skip the rest of my classes, miss assignments etc. Until it finally got to the point that I was failing my classes and didn't want to finish school.
I explained away my decision to leave that particular school because of credit not transferring and requirements changing. That wasn't true...I just didn't want to go to school anymore. I enjoyed my management job and made an okay living. I couldn't imagine anything changing that.

Now whenever I think about that time period I realize I am a failure. I was going to a good school, nearly done with my bachelors degree, with a great scholarship and I dropped out! Seriously what was I thinking??? No I didn't love what I was going to school for but at least I would have had a the credits I earned at that school are worthless because I was failing when I quit school. So all I have earned is my associates degree but that doesn't really do me any good or at least it hasn't yet.
When DH gets out of the Air Force I want to be able to give him the opportunity to not work (if he so chooses) as he has given me that opportunity. But he is getting out in about 4 years and I am running out of time to figure out what I want to do and earn my degree.
I think my decision to drop out of school really killed my self-confidence and self-image. I hate that decision but I can't change it and have to move on....I feel so lost and like such a failure.

I know this isn't a picture or directly related to my weight loss but I am trying to work through things that I have kept inside to help me determine why I got to the point that I am so overweight.

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